Actual work conversation 2 April 14th 2011

Employee: Do you want my sandwich? I'm giving up meat for lent.

Me: No thanks. I'm giving up for lent.

Employee: yeah, I'm giving up meat. What are you giving up?

Me: I'm giving up for lent.

Employee: But what are you giving up?

Me: I'm giving up for lent.

Employee: ...................

Actual work conversation April 14th 2011

Engineer: it's fixed and we're ready to turn it on.

Me: Did you level the cylinders perfectly?

Engineer: Do you think I'm stupid?

Me: you're an engineer, right?

Engineer: yes.

Me: so you're familiar with the scientific method?

Engineer: of course.

Me: well, based on initial data I've constructed a hypothesis. I'll continue to test that hypothesis. Then I'll analyze that data and draw a conclusion and communicate to you the results. But right now, all indications of my scientific analysis indicate that yes, you're stupid.

Engineer: you're such an asshole.

Me: thank you. So did you level those cylinders or not?

Actual work conversation April 14, 2011

Engineer: knock knock! Hey! I have a favor to ask. Can I get one of your operators to do an inventory of all the motors out there on the equipment so I can evaluate if we have adequate spares in the storeroom? I did this spreadsheet so they can record all the information to make it easy for them to do. I printed enough sheets so they should have plenty.

Me: I'll tell you what. I think it's great that you took the time to make this nifty spreadsheet with three columns and all these lines, and I'm sure it took a lot of effort to walk over to the printer and get them, so how about this: how about I get one of my highly paid, highly skilled, hard working machinists who are busting their ass to to get product out the door and I have them sit in your office all day and surf the net looking at ESPN.com while YOU go fill out this nice spreadsheet. That way your job is covered and the spreadsheet gets done.

Engineer: I guess I can do it.

Me: Good answer.

Actual work email exchange April 13, 2011

From: Worthless Employee
Sent: Wednesday, April 13, 2011 1:25 PM
To: Senecablues
Subject:

Can we review the query that Sue made for you?

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From: Senecablues
Sent: Wednesday, April 13, 2011 1:26 PM
To: Worthless Employee
Subject: RE:

I don’t know. Are you even here today?

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From: Worthless Employee
Sent: Wednesday, April 13, 2011 1:27 PM
To: Senecablues
Subject: RE: RE:

Yes. Why?

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From: Senecablues
Sent: Wednesday, April 13, 2011 1:28 PM
To: Worthless Employee
Subject: RE: RE: RE:

You weren't at 8:20.

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From: Worthless Employee
Sent: Wednesday, April 13, 2011 1:28 PM
To: Senecablues
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE:

Ill be right over…

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(I like to think of myself as a people person)

Actual work conversation 4/13/11

Engineer: (trying to be funny) is that all you do all day? Just stare at reports?

Me: No. I usually sleep half the day.

Engineer: Well you better step it up, the last guy only slept a quarter of the day.

Me: I might sleep half the day, but I haven't been short at all today.

Engineer: ..................

True work conversation #2 April 13, 201

Me: I need the monthly projections for April, but not in the usual 12 hours it takes you to do a one hour report. I actually need it in one hour.

True Work Conversation April 13, 2011

(Entering the office of a coworker. Engineer is there, sees me and tries to immediately leave)

Me: Wait. I have a question. How come every time you see me you run away in fear, leaving a little puddle of pee?

Engineer: I do not!

Me: You just did!

Engineer: No! I have to go somewhere.

Me: You're not going anywhere. Not until you clean up that puddle of pee...

Engineer: *storms out*