Actual thoughts during a work meeting 5/17/2011

Holy shit, this is going to be two hours long?

Would this pen actually make it all the way to my jugular?

Is hand sanitizer flammable? I could use it like napalm!

Holy shit, how many scabs can one person have on their head?

Dude, showers. Not optional.

There is not one single boob in this room.

God I love boobs.

I wonder if that toupee is glued on or stapled.

God I love boobs.

Kill me.

I can smell his breath all the way across this table.

If I were to go on a killing spree, what order should I take these assholes out so they don't stop me?

Boobs.

That shirt is way too shiny.

I wonder if he's asleep or dead. I hope for his sake he's dead.

I wish I were dead.

16. 16 fucking scabs on one bald head. Nasty.

Boobs.

What is this meeting about anyways? Maybe I should be listening. Meh. Fuck it.

Boobs.

Oooo. Missed one. 17.

Fucking engineers.

This guy on the speakerphone sounds like the bad guy on Inglorious Basterds. Fucking nazis.

No signal. No twitter. Fuck.

Yup. Verified. 17 scabs.

Boobs.

What the FUCK am I going to do for the next hour and fifty-five minutes!?!

Actual Work email exchange Friday 13, May, 2011

From: Worthless HR Manager
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2011 3:15 PM
To: Senecablues
Subject: sorry

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to send that e-mail to you.

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From: Senecablues
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2011 3:20 PM
To: Worthless HR Manager
Subject: RE: sorry

E-mail is hard.

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From: Worthless HR Manager
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2011 3:22 PM
To: Senecablues
Subject: RE: RE sorry

Shut up! You should change your name!

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From: Senecablues
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2011 3:28 PM
To: Worthless HR Manager
Subject: RE: RE: RE: sorry

Our names aren't even close. Perhaps if you tried to sound it out phonetically it would be easier. Tell you what. I'll drop by my business card and you can use it for reference for future e-mails. You can put it on that cork board with the pictures of all your pets.

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From: HR Manager
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2011 3:15 PM
To: Senecablues
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: sorry

I don't have any pets! Just pictures of my kids!

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(I wonder if she has figured it out yet. Probably, not. She wasn't there when I dropped off my business card. Her kids really are fucking ugly, by the way.)

Actual work conversation 2 April 14th 2011

Employee: Do you want my sandwich? I'm giving up meat for lent.

Me: No thanks. I'm giving up for lent.

Employee: yeah, I'm giving up meat. What are you giving up?

Me: I'm giving up for lent.

Employee: But what are you giving up?

Me: I'm giving up for lent.

Employee: ...................

Actual work conversation April 14th 2011

Engineer: it's fixed and we're ready to turn it on.

Me: Did you level the cylinders perfectly?

Engineer: Do you think I'm stupid?

Me: you're an engineer, right?

Engineer: yes.

Me: so you're familiar with the scientific method?

Engineer: of course.

Me: well, based on initial data I've constructed a hypothesis. I'll continue to test that hypothesis. Then I'll analyze that data and draw a conclusion and communicate to you the results. But right now, all indications of my scientific analysis indicate that yes, you're stupid.

Engineer: you're such an asshole.

Me: thank you. So did you level those cylinders or not?

Actual work conversation April 14, 2011

Engineer: knock knock! Hey! I have a favor to ask. Can I get one of your operators to do an inventory of all the motors out there on the equipment so I can evaluate if we have adequate spares in the storeroom? I did this spreadsheet so they can record all the information to make it easy for them to do. I printed enough sheets so they should have plenty.

Me: I'll tell you what. I think it's great that you took the time to make this nifty spreadsheet with three columns and all these lines, and I'm sure it took a lot of effort to walk over to the printer and get them, so how about this: how about I get one of my highly paid, highly skilled, hard working machinists who are busting their ass to to get product out the door and I have them sit in your office all day and surf the net looking at ESPN.com while YOU go fill out this nice spreadsheet. That way your job is covered and the spreadsheet gets done.

Engineer: I guess I can do it.

Me: Good answer.

Actual work email exchange April 13, 2011

From: Worthless Employee
Sent: Wednesday, April 13, 2011 1:25 PM
To: Senecablues
Subject:

Can we review the query that Sue made for you?

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From: Senecablues
Sent: Wednesday, April 13, 2011 1:26 PM
To: Worthless Employee
Subject: RE:

I don’t know. Are you even here today?

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From: Worthless Employee
Sent: Wednesday, April 13, 2011 1:27 PM
To: Senecablues
Subject: RE: RE:

Yes. Why?

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From: Senecablues
Sent: Wednesday, April 13, 2011 1:28 PM
To: Worthless Employee
Subject: RE: RE: RE:

You weren't at 8:20.

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From: Worthless Employee
Sent: Wednesday, April 13, 2011 1:28 PM
To: Senecablues
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE:

Ill be right over…

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(I like to think of myself as a people person)

Actual work conversation 4/13/11

Engineer: (trying to be funny) is that all you do all day? Just stare at reports?

Me: No. I usually sleep half the day.

Engineer: Well you better step it up, the last guy only slept a quarter of the day.

Me: I might sleep half the day, but I haven't been short at all today.

Engineer: ..................